Greeting
Hi I’m Yoshi. I’m a mental disorder. I’ve been bipolar for 30 years.
When I heard about suicide
Today I want to talk about suicide. I’ve thought about it since my ex-girl friend told me her father killed himself. I heard it from her 24 years ago.
Not always find the signs of suicide
I learned remaining people worried because they hadn’t noticed signs of tragedies. But I think it’s almost impossible to catch any signs. Maybe they think they could say better words. But I don’t think misfortune could be escaped.
I tell you the reason why I say that. It is a story from the head nurse when I was in the hospital. She said one of her patient said “ Hello, How are you ?” Right after the greeting, she jumped from the hospital building. She’s gone. All staff in metal hospitals keep in mind there are possibilities of suicide, but the well experienced nurse like her wasn’t able to catch the sign. So non-professional people living in a daily life are impossible to find signs for suicide. I don’t think even families or good friends can catch them.
Sudden Suicide
The most afraid thing is sudden suicide. I tried it myself before. A word from my ex-girl friend almost killed me. She said she was afraid of me. I was mania. My symptom hurt her very badly with harsh words. I understood why she said she was afraid of me, but when I heard the word “afraid” , I thought everything was over. I swallowed medicine like I ate popcorn. I had more than 100 pill medicines and I drank them all. I took a train and went home and next time I realized was I was on the bed in the hospital. I was on the train, so somebody found me. But if I had on the street, people would have ignored me and I was dead. I didn’t plan to die, just the word would kill me.
Words save you
Other words save you. I tell you my story. I was in a mental hospital in Osaka. I didn’t have money for the hospital bills and my parents either. So my sister said she would pay them. This was a big problem for me. I didn’t have money, but I wanted to go out the hospital and tried to get money somehow. but I couldn’t, because I was hospitalized by my family. I felt a loss and asked my doctor what she felt. I asked her“ If you had a brother and he didn’t have money for the hospital bills, what would you do ?” She said Sha-nai-na, it means “It is big problems for me, but I accept” in Osaka dialect. That word helped me a lot. But it’s not Sha-nai-na. She didn’t have to pay them for me at all. It is a right say is that “No matter what, you have to pay your bill by yourself. This is a right answer, but sometimes using right words is lack of love. So I was relieved by the word Sha-nai-na. It was the word with love.
Textbooks don’t always help you
Sometimes words from textbooks won’t save you from very serious problems. There are many problems in the society. For example, bullying problems, a stereo type words is go to school and ask teachers for help. Money problems, time will solve them. Disease problems, your disease will be cured. All these words won’t work. Words with deep love like Sha-nai-na will save you.
Reasons of suicide
Think about reasons of suicide. I can think three main reasons. The first killing reason is suffering, the second killing reason is insisting one’s opinions, the third killing reason is taking responsibilities. Bullying is serious suffering. But I know how to deal with bullying. It is escape. Escape to the place where bullying doesn’t exist. Escape until you find the safe place. If you are a student, your family should also escape with you. I think it is the best choice. Escape is definitely better than death.
There are radio programs which broadcast about stories of evening high school students. I like to listen to them. Some students started from the bottom and climbed up and they could dream again. I was touched. Another student went to a daytime high school, but she was bullied and gave up the school. But she found a new way at a night high school.
Escape may have negative meanings. So you can say finding another way. Regarding to money problems, just apply bankruptcy and start again from the beginning.
About disease problems I hope there are ways. I had difficult times because of a mental disease. When I was crossing the bridge on my way to work, I thought if I jumped, I would die and then my pain would go forever. I didn’t do that, because I didn’t want to die before my mother. But looking at the river at night,I always wanted to die. But this feeling faded away within ten years.
The second reason is killing oneself because of insisting his thoughts. I haven’t heard it often, but a famous Japanese writer Yukio Mishima killed himself because of this reason. I also tried it once. I was hospitalized at a locked room with a surveillance camera. I didn’t understand 100 percent why I was treated like that. So I pull out a string from my jogging suit and hang it on the frame of the air conditioner. I decided to hang myself, if staff wouldn’t find me in five minutes. A doctor, several nurses came and dropped me down in a minute. I don’t think death speaks your messages for you. Maybe it will be for a while, but it will never be for forever. So If you have your messages, you should keep telling them and never give up.
The third reason, killing oneself because of taking some responsibilities. No one want that. Even you make serious mistakes, you could pay them through your whole life.
Ways to prevent suicide
I want to tell you my ways to prevent suicide. One is listening music by YouTube. It helps me a lot. I tried to find my favorite or most relaxing song. Sometimes it took hours, but when I found it, I listened to it all night and I was relieved. YouTube saved my life. I used to buy CDs and listened to them. Now I can find and listen relaxing music unlimitedly by YouTube.
If you cannot access to YouTube, You can choose books. You will find relieved words from books. I go to a big bookstore in my town. I only read business and language. When I was suffering, I would go there like I was crawling and tried to find the book which would stop my heart bleeding. Bestseller books wouldn’t help me. Sometimes it took a few hours or four hours maximum to find the book and I finally found a book in the corner of the shelf. I took it and turned its first page then my heart aching stopped.
You cannot read when you have disease. I recommend audio books. I choose Amazon, but there are many of them. I don’t recommend surfing internet for helps. There are different situations, so it is difficult to find suitable solutions.
To meet reliable people is one of the best choices. For my cases, books saved me. Words have unlimited power. Meeting people is limited, but reading books is unlimited.
Summary
In the end everyone has chances to commit a suicide. I remembered a TV commercial. It was a baseball star pitcher said “ I’m not a beautiful flower, but I’m weed. I’m a pitcher and I don’t throw my life. Don’t kill yourself.” Everyone has possibilities to kill oneself, So I think you always remind yourself this word SURVIVE. This is my solution to prevent suicide.
Thank you for listening.